"Rob's Three Amigo's" application

I am not a social person by nature. I tend not to trust new people until I have interacted with them several times in a variety of settings and even that is just to get comfortable enough to start pushing buttons to see how far I can push them before they hate me, thus reinforcing my predetermined decision that they weren’t worth the effort to be friendly with anyways. (I know, I’m sick but it’s worked for me this long so I’ll stick with it).

That being said, similar to the Dark Lords of the Sith, I have the “Rob’s Rule of Three” which grants me the permission to be friends with three people at the same time (not counting the wife, I’m legally obligated to be friends with her). As I have been remiss in replacing the last friend to leave the circle over two years ago and facing the impending loss of another when he moves to Germany for another job, I have decided to take open applications to join “Rob’s Three Amigo’s”

Prior to filling out and submitting the application listed below, please note the following requirements. Failure to meet all requirements will result in an immediate fine of $500 and disqualification from any future interaction with anyone I know.

1) A tolerance for soliloquy’s. My favorite director is Kevin Smith and I tend to speak in the same style of long, often humorous (at least to me) diatribes about whatever subject I wish to pretend I’m an expert on that day.
2) A thorough knowledge of mid to late 80’s hair metal, in addition to an appreciation to the genius that is Aerosmith (pre 9 Lives).
3) Be geek enough to talk computers, internet, software, and video games with me.
4) Have a thick skin, as I will try to annoy you and once I find something that does that, I will NEVER stop bringing it up.

If you meet the above requirements, please fill out the following questionnaire/quiz and submit with a $25 administrative review and filing fee to armonde[at]gmail[dot]com:

1) Name:

2) Nickname:

3) If I choose to make up a nickname for you, as I most certainly will, do you have any names that are strictly off limits (ex. “Doofus,” “Bozo,” etc…)?

4) Please list your last three friends:

5) Who is your current or most recent best friend?

6) Reason for ending relationship:

7) What qualities do you possess that you feel could not be satisfied by a more traditional friend, like a dog? Use another sheet of paper if necessary.

8) What is the latest/earliest that you will accept phone calls?

9) Identify, using the quote, and re-enact the following Monty Python routines:
A) “I didn’t expect some kind of Spanish Inquisition…”
B) “Do you, in fact, have any cheese here at all?”
C) “He’s not dead, he’s pinin’ for the fjords.”

10) Fill in the blanks: “Hey, Rob, I really _____ your _____! It is totally _____!”

11) Identify the films from which the following quotes were taken:
A) “Nihilists! Fuck me. I mean, say what you like about the tenets of National Socialism, Dude, at least it's an ethos.”
B) “Prepare ship for ludicrous speed! Fasten all seatbelts, seal all entrances and exits, close all shops in the mall, cancel the three ring circus, secure all animals in the zoo!”
C) “Hi Willie. Oh, I'm Mike Walsh. You've been expecting me, haven't you? Well I made it. I beat you. I got here in one piece... so far.

12) If I were to say to you, “Hey, I just got this new Blind Slim Williamson CD. It’s a reissue of a Library of Congress recording from a back porch in Hushpuckenah, Mississippi in 1936 and features Sandbox Leroy on harmonica. If you listen closely, you can hear Williamson’s wife cussing him out during some of the softer choruses,” would you reply:
A) Wow, that sounds amazing. Put it on. Turn it up.
B) Really? Is that the one where they do a version of Memphis Johnson’s “Cott’npatch Moan?” I think I used to have that on vinyl.
C) Why the hell would I want to listen to an ancient, scratchy recording of some dead guy playing an out-of-tune guitar?

13) How many times have you seen Metallica live in concert?

14) If I were to say, “I used to be a doctor, but I had to quit, ’cause I kept losing my patience,” would you reply:
A) Oh, how very, very witty. Ah ha ha ha ha. Please! Stop! My side!
B) There was a time when I held fast to the notion that the pun was the lowest form of wit, but the more time I spend with you the more I am beginning to realize that it is a grossly overlooked and underappreciated art form, one that you are not only single-handedly reviving, but also taking to levels never before imagined possible.
C) Good bye.