Retorts and Ramblings: Rules for Pooping in Public

How to Poop at Work

We've all been there but don't like to admit it..
We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt
something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince
ourselves otherwise , the *WORK POOP* is inevitable. For those
who hate pooping at work , following is the Survival Guide
for taking a dump at work.

*CROP DUSTING* When farting , you walk really fast around
the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone
else gets a whiff , but doesn't know where it came from.
Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart
has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the
smell has left your pants.

*FLY BY* The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping.
Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in
the bathroom , leave and come back again. Be careful not to
become a *FREQUENT FLYER*. People may become suspicious if
they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

*ESCAPEE* A fart that slips out while taking a pee or
forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a
sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee , do
not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are a
man and are standing next to the farter in the urinal,
pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is
uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing
makes both parties feel uneasy.

*JAILBREAK* When forcing a poop , several farts slip out at
a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of
diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen , do not panic.
Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to
spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

*COURTESY FLUSH* The act of flushing the toilet the instant
the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time
the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you
avoid being caught doing the *WALK OF SHAME*.

*WALK OF SHAME* Walking from the stall , to the sink , to the
door after you have just stunk up the bath room.. This can be
a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts
you. As with farts , it is best to pretend that the smell
does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the *COURTESY
FLUSH*.

*OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER* A colleague who poops at work
and is Doggone proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The
Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or
magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for
the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

*SAFE HAVENS* A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the
building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors
that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce
the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

*TURD BURGLAR* Someone who does not realize that you are in
the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of
the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when
taking a poop at work. If this occurs , remain in the stall
until the *Turd Burglar* leaves. This way you will avoid all
uncomfortable eye contact.

*CAMO-COUGH* A phony cough that alerts all new entrants
into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used
to cover-up a *WATERMELON* , or to alert potential *TURD
BURGLAR*. Very effective when used in conjunction with a
*SHIRLEY TEMPLE*.

*SHIRLEY TEMPLE* A subtle toe-tapping that is used to alert
potential *TURD BURGLARS*that you are occupying a stall. This
will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you
hear a *SHIRLEY TEMPLE* , leave the bathroom immediately so the
pooper can poop in peace.

*WATERMELON* A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting
the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If
you feel a Watermelon coming on , create a diversion. See
*CAMO-COUGH*.

SOME VARIETIES OF POOP YOU SHOULD BE AWARE OF:

*The King Poop* = This kind is the kind of poop that killed
Elvis. It doesn't come until you're all sweaty,
trembling and purple from straining so hard.

* Bali Belly Poop* = You poop so much you lose 5 lbs.

*Cement Block* = You wish you'd gotten a spinal block
before you poop.

*Cork Poop* = Even after the third flush , it's still floating
in there. How do I get rid of it? This poop usually happens
at someone else's house.

*The Bungee Poop* = The kind of poop that just hangs off your
rear before it falls into the water.

*The Crippler* = The kind of poop where you have to sit on
the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down.

*The Chitty Chitty Bang Bang* = The kind of poop that hits
you when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam.

*The Party Pooper* = The giant poop you take at a party. And
when you flush the toilet , you watch in horror as the water
starts to rise...